When John and I were engaged we often talked about children and what we would name them. On this Mother's Day I find myself mourning the children I do not have. I want to be married by now. More so, I want to have children. I would rather be in that life and not this one but here I am, teaching in Nephi and pining over a man who will never again feel as though I am marriage material. I am not marriage material because I am not strong. My parents questioned my relationship with this man and instead of standing my ground and declaring my love, I caved. I ran away from him because my parents did not like him and I wanted their approval. And now, I have their approval and no one to love me, no children to raise, and no prospects in sight.
Every day I wake up and regret my decision to move to Nephi. I like my job, but it is just a job. The students I teach each day are not mine forever but are mine for a moment.
Amy Paystrup asked my mom this week, "Is it true that Krystle is waiting to get married until after she has her doctorate?!" My mom did not know how to respond. I do not know how to respond. Is my singlehood such an strange thing that others find need to make excuses or explain it away? I am not married because the only man who has wanted to marry me took back the ring and walked away. Do people deserve to know my heart? Must I explain it to everyone? Is it your business, now that I have posted about it?
Today is John's birthday as well, which makes me ruminate more. In addition, May 6th was the day we first met, so I have all sorts of reasons to be sentimental. Forgive me. I hope it will pass.
I know you probably hear it all the time, but don't wish your life away. I am married and I have a child, but I've been on the other side before. I was childless for such a long time, and bitter and angry with those who had what I wanted. It wasn't until after I had Dylan that I realized how nice my life was before I had him. Don't get me wrong--I love being married and having a child. But the grass is always greener! Enjoy your single life. The blessings of a husband and children are immense, but you lose so much of yourself. There are days when I would give anything to just be on my own.
ReplyDeleteAnd you ARE marriage material--you never have to worry about that! You have so much to offer, and when the time is right you will make someone an excellent wife and be a fantastic mother.