What Do I Want Out of Life?

While cleaning out my desk I came across a piece of my writing from 2009. I thought I would share it here. :)

What Do I Want Out of Life?

In the long run?
A home
A family
A Friday night date

Someone who loves me more
Than I have ever loved

A goodnight kiss
Hot chocolate at midnight

A miracle

Early morning breezes
And bike rides
Pumpkin cake and cream cheese frosting

Little wiggly toes to tickle.
Laughter at bedtime
A tiny someone who has my eyes.

Peace.

Littles

Today, June 29, is the year mark from the day I became a mom.

My entire life has been a series of tender mercies. I am still convinced that I was given my scholarship to Westminster simply because Heavenly Father knew that as a teenager, my tendency was to give up if things were too hard, and He knew I needed to be a teacher.

When I moved to Nephi, I was given a great job simply because the Lord knew that I needed to be HOME in order to sort out the mess I was making of my life. It worked.

Shortly after falling in love with Blaine, I became his Mrs. without hesitation. Our relationship is now and always has been EASY. We knew that we could build a happy life, that we could build a beautiful forever and so we did. We are.

We found an incredible home with room to grow. Purchased at auction, we marveled at the home and tried to think of how we could possibly fill five bedrooms. A tender mercy.

In February of last year, my sister called and talked to me about a possible adoption. There were four siblings, three boys and a girl, who needed a place to land. They were young: 3, 4, 6, 7 and living with an aunt in Wyoming. Originally, their aunt (who is a saint in her own right) hoped to keep at least two children together. At the same time, LDS Family Services began to pull back from adoption. We found out that services would end in January 2015.

We began the process of becoming foster certified. Our foster care licenser is the very same woman who completed our LDS Family Services intake three years ago. She was able to streamline our foster care licensing, making it a quick task instead of an arduous one. A tender mercy.

One signed paper allowed Montana to access our Utah files. This streamlined a two-state adoption and the littles were able to move directly into our home from their aunt's without having to wait in a group home for paperwork to go through. A tender mercy. 

On June 29, Blaine and  I drove to Wyoming to load up 2 bunk beds, 8 boxes, and 4 little people. They ran out of their aunt's house and one of them shouted: "We're moving to Utah!" And so it began.

As we drove home, Blaine and I were in different cars. I was in our car with my little brother, two little boys, and my mother in law. Blaine was in another car with my parents, and the other two littles. Jace (my little brother) drove the entire way from there to home and I sat in the back seat. As soon as the sun went down I started sobbing and couldn't stop. I was so overwhelmed at the gravity of what we had done. I felt in some way that we were kidnapping the kids, that there was no real way that we should be able to take them out of state to our home. I was terrified, and all I wanted in the world was to hold Blaine's hand and tell him so.

We've spent the last year figuring out how to survive as new parents. Blaine is and always will be a champ. He is better at discipline and routine and teaching. He is our stay at home parent and has committed his full energies to these little souls. It is so incredible to watch him become a dad. It's a chance I wasn't sure I would ever get, and I value it beyond words.

Last week, we received an email asking for our lawyer's name. And would we be keeping the littles' names? This is the most official correspondence I have received since the little people moved in, and it feels more real somehow than anything we have done so far. They are soon-to-be Bassetts. They will be the first grandchildren on Blaine's side of the family to carry that name.

Wait. Watch. Beautiful things will happen. God is in the mix. I think He finds joy in watching his children sort through this life. All good decisions and tender mercies and a whole lot of love.

Happy Mother's Day 2014

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I have dreams about babies. A few weeks ago, I was having a dream so lovely that when the alarm sounded, I asked Blaine to let me keep sleeping so I could see it all the way through. What was so great about the dream? I was holding a crying baby.

This little bite-size was SCREAMING up a storm. I was rocking her and holding her and trying to calm her down. With no luck.

My mom came into the room and stood behind me. She put her arm on my arm and reminded me that the baby was used to a heart beat. She told me that I just needed to hold her a little closer to help her calm down, that if baby could hear and feel my heart she would relax.

I held the little girl close to my body and it worked like a charm. It was such a tender assurance, to have my mom next to me, showing me how to be a mother. And even though this little tiny one was crying, it was a dream and not a nightmare because there was something so comforting, standing there, rocking a baby. And while the dream was about this baby in my arms, it was also about the woman beside me. We were three generations together in a space, making sense of each other.

I'm not yet a mother, but I do have an amazing mother of my own.

Happy Mother's Day, my lovely mama. You have prepared me in every way to take on the daunting task of motherhood when I am given the chance. I am grateful to have you nearby, to share a hometown with you. I am glad for Bunco and book club and Sunday dinners. I am glad for drink runs and shopping trips and hand me down clothes.

You are a wonderful mom. You have taught all my sisters how to be the same. I am not scared of motherhood because I have seen you tackle it with gusto and grace.

Love you.

My cute nephew in his grandma's arms. Such a beautiful picture of a beautiful lady.

Gift From the Sea: Santa Monica Edition

When I was in college, I read Gift from the Sea. I was too young to understand it, and I realize that I should take another look now that I am an adult and also a wife. In the book, the author comments on different items found along the seashore. She finds the item, describes it, and then considers lessons that can be learned from the item.

For the past few days, Blaine and I have been in Santa Monica. We travelled here with our two younger brothers, having rented a little studio apartment on the beach. We can look out the window and see the ocean.

This morning I went hunting for sea glass. There is something graceful and lovely about a piece of glass, a piece of garbage, really, that has turned into a treasure because of the tide.

Blaine was looking for bleached white shells and rocks when I joined in his search. Right near his feet I found the most fantastic piece of blue glass. It is my favorite shade. I felt like it was fate, to find such a piece of glass right near him. 

A few moments later, I found another larger piece. It was the same shade of blue but twice the size. I was feeling quite pleased with myself, a handful of glass, next to my sweetheart. I was a bit proud.

Then a wave came. I was not facing the ocean, but facing the shore, and I never even saw it coming. I lost my balance and dropped my handful of glass. The glass was quickly swept away.

After a moment of pure happiness, I was literally knocked over. Quite quickly, all my efforts were in vain. 

There are a myriad of lessons to be learned from this moment, most of them about being happy with what is given to me. There is also something to the idea of not mourning that which is lost. And things are just things. And that there will always be waves, and some of them will catch me off guard, or knock me down flat.

But there are other lessons of joy. And peace. And happiness. I'll leave you to consider those.

Finally, a few quotes from the text, just so you can have a feel for how great the book is:

“One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can only collect a few. One moon shell is more impressive than three. There is only one moon in the sky.” 

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

“Perhaps this is the most important thing for me to take back from beach-living: simply the memory that each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid.” 

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

“Don't wish me happiness. 
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor. I will need them all.” ― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Yep. It's been a year.

Today we had our second home study. That means that we have been on this adoption journey for one year. I scrambled like a mad woman, cleaning our already clean home. I hassled Blaine, talked him into loading the dishwasher, clearing his stuff off the desk in the office and helping me make our house smell less like teenage boy (We've had a lot of brother-visitors lately). :)

Our lovely caseworker walked into our front room and no where else, so all the cleaning was in vain.

Last year, when I was prepping for my home study, I was convinced that I absolutely needed to have a table runner. You know those strips of fabric that run down the middle of a table for no apparent reason? I needed one.

I tried to make a mockup using fabric scraps and wood glue. It was not pretty. It looked as sad as it sounds.

My mom, sensing my urgency, came over to my house, threaded my machine, and gently and patiently helped me sew. I think it's beautiful. I think she's amazing.

This year, I did not need a table runner. I did not need anything, really. I did purchase a clock to go in the lounge, but I've been wanting it for a while.

Maybe each year we get a home study, I'll add one little bit of decor to my home, to commemorate the event.

Maybe within the next year, we will have an addition far more exciting and priceless than a silly home accessory. That would be awesome.

It's been a year.

February: Lessons Learned

• My Mr. is even more incredible than I realized.

• It IS possible to be busier than I thought possible.

• I am not nearly as patient as I need to be.

• Life is good and we are blessed.  

• Anticipation is fun. Possibilities are endless.

• "It" will happen when the time is right. 

Most importantly

I have been a Primary teacher for the past few years. I like it a lot because it gives me a chance to know kids in the ward that otherwise would be strangers to me. And, I am learning all sorts of lessons about love and patience and what it might be like to teach my own children gospel principles.

Last week during the final meeting, we had a mini-lesson that gave every person in the room a chance to stand up and "fill in the blanks" of the following phrases. It was beautiful, and I decided that I would use it to frame tonight's blog post.

My name is __________________. 
I [like to] __________________,
but most importantly I am a child of God. 

I like the idea of it, this one simple [and enormous] thing that everyone could testify of. Tender.

My name is Krystle.
I like to wash dishes and organize things,
but most importantly I am a child of God.

My name is Krystle.
I make mistakes more often than I would like,
but most importantly I am a child of God.

My name is Krystle.
I am a teacher and a student and a friend,
But most importantly I am a child of God.

My name is Krystle.
I am a wife and hopeful mother,
but most importantly I am a child of God.

So, there are some of mine. Could you leave a statement of yours in the comments? I think that would be pretty awesome.

Love,

Merry Christmas 2013!

A Good Day

It's been a good day. Nothing particularly earth-shattering, just a quiet feeling of peace that everything is going to be okay and life is lovely. I think that sometimes the Lord blesses us with good days so that we can endure. We are given little glimpses of beauty, little tastes of pure bliss because then, when we do have to see the bad, have to endure the bitter, we have a memory of a more delicious time, of something delightful. And we know that more of those good moments are ahead, so we can get through the moments that aren't so good. Yep. That's what I think. It's been a good day.

Day 31: Quiet

Maybe Baby,

It's gonna be quieter around here for a bit. We're done writing these daily messages. I just thought I'd let you know that even when the messages end, we will still think of you every day. 

The difference is this: the messages we have for you from this point out will be kept in our hearts, not published for the world wide web. 

The last and biggest message we have to share? We love you, and we will try to wait patiently until we meet you.
__________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE.]

Day 30: Krystle (From Blaine)

Maybe Baby,

Your mama is amazing. I love her to pieces. She is really funny and makes the most adorable faces. Sometimes she catches me looking at her and blushes. I love it. Your Mama is so special to me I wanted our proposal to reflect that. Let me explain.

For family-home-evening. My dad would always find a classic movie for us to enjoy: Sabrina, Singing in the Rain, or a recent John Wayne purchase (dad's favorite). In these movies the woman was surprised when the man would propose. It was always a shock but a no brainer that was the answer to their situation. I would ask couples how they got engaged, went ring shopping, and did everything before he proposed.

I wanted special, I wanted old fashioned.

Driving home on a special Wednesday from Salt Lake, I dropped by Wilson Diamonds, and picked out a ring. On the drive home I arranged to talk her dad to ask his permission and blessing. I also arranged the proposal.

Finally the weekend came and off to the school play,

The Importance of Being Earnest

and...

Happily ever after...

______________________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE.]

Day 29: I Want

Maybe Baby,

How do I know what lessons you need to hear until I see your face and hold your little hand? I don't. How do I know what advice you might need when you are an angst filled teenager?  I don't. Right now, I spout off vague silly wonderings, not really knowing what you will like to know or what you really need to get through life. 

Heavenly Father places people in our lives who are exactly what we need. I have a friend who makes me laugh. I laugh at everything she says. I have a friend who brings me back down to earth, who helps me see the logic when I am feeling crazy.  I have another friend who I only see once a year who can still manage to see right to my heart.


When you and I find each other, I will do my best to help you learn and grow. I will teach you things I have learned to save you from the hard lessons. I want to be someone who makes you laugh, who brings you back to earth, and who can sometimes see right into your heart. Is that too much to ask?

Love you.

______________________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE.]

Day 28: Elephant in the Room

Maybe Baby,

An elephant...made entirely of pumpkins and gourds!
We attended the Pumpkin Walk in North Logan this weekend.

"Elephant in the room" is a metaphor for an obvious truth that is either being ignored or going unaddressed. 

There's an elephant in the room right now. Blaine went in to the hospital this morning. He goes every so often because he was born with CF, a condition that makes his life harder than I would wish on even my worst enemy. He's been up late at night for the past few nights coughing, unable to rest like a person needs to.

It's the elephant in the room because I sometimes forget that he doesn't feel well. I don't ignore it on purpose, but we live such a normal life that once in awhile I forget that things are not entirely normal. 

Sigh. It's gonna be lonely.

______________________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE.]

Day 27: Our Home

Welcome! :)

Maybe Baby,
The home we live in is pretty awesome. When we bought it we could tell that it had been abused. We worked together to show it that we loved it. When we first got married, we lived on mostly bare floors from May until September. Your dad and I woke up every morning and found a new project to do. Now, the projects are slowing down, and we just get to enjoy the space and the pretty room.
When we were working, our rooms had funny nicknames, like the mold room, and the pee closet. Gross, huh? Just try to think of why they were called that.
When we had our home study, the adoption case worker said that our garage was HAZARDOUS. We're working on that project next. :)

Our front yard used to look like this.

Now it looks like this. 

Our kitchen used to look like this.

Now it looks like this.

Our dining room used to look like this.

Now it looks like this.

Our home is a blessing, 

just like the thought of you.

__________________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE.]

Day 26: Kisses

Maybe Baby,

I just thought I'd warn you. Your Maybe Parents love each other, and sometimes we will give each other kisses in public JUST to embarrass you. Funny, huh? Consider yourself warned.

Love you.

Day 25: Fashionably Late

Maybe Baby,

You are surrounded by people who love you, and none of us have even met you yet! People have stopped in to look at us all month long. As of right now, we have had 11,711 different views of these messages. Can you feel the love?

If you can't tell, when you arrive, you will be joining people who love you already and are excited to meet you.

One of my good friends reminded me of this: "Your maybe baby isn't really a maybe . . . he or she is just making a fashionably late appearance." I like that.

Love you.
_______________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE]

Day 24: BIG and small

Maybe Baby,
I have an obsession. I love it when things are bigger than or smaller than they are supposed to be. In most rooms in our house, we have things that are the "wrong" size:

Tiny shopping cart
Big clothes pin
Enormous paper clip
Huge (size 19!) gym shoes

I saw this idea on Pinterest and decided that it definitely has to be a part of our toy closet.

I know. Right? It's the little (and the big) things that bring me joy, I guess.
______________________________________________________

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE]

Day 23: Tattletale

Maybe Baby,

I'm gonna tattle on your dad today. Last night, he was super excited
about the new IOS for Apple, Mavericks. Yep. Super excited. Before bed, he got all our devices downloading the new system... in secret.

He LOVES to customize electronics. Every so often we have talks about him leaving my devices alone.

This secret download meant that NONE of our alarms went off this morning. We both had to be at work at 7:30, and we both woke up at 7:21.

As I ponder this a bit, I'm very proud of the fact that I didn't scream or yell. I have a LONG way to go, but I handled today with grace. I realized the time, hopped out of bed, and started getting ready. We didn't make the bed, and we didn't eat breakfast, but we both made it to work on time and gave each other a quick kiss before heading out the door. I told him that he should probably start thinking of a way to make it up to me.

So, why am I telling you this? Now, you know three new things:

1. We love each other even when things are stressful.
2. Being married to your dad has taught me how to be a more patient person.
3. Next time, he probably won't dare touch my iPhone.

Love you.

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE]

Day 22: Quotable

[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE]

Day 21: Chin Up

Dear Maybe Baby,

Sometimes I'm sad. I've been thinking of you for a while, and writing messages to you has made me a little sadder than I expected. It's a strange feeling of hope and excitement, mixed with a little bit of despair. Because you are still a MAYBE baby, which means I don't know where you are, or how soon we will be together. 

I'll try to be happy. Chin up and all that. I've still got a few days to write, and more to share.

Love you.


[We are hoping to adopt. You can view our It's About Love Profile HERE.]

[Read about this series and read the other messages HERE]